Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
