New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
