Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
