masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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