I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
