NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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