Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
