you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
