Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
