I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
