i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
