Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
