im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
