im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
