My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
