youre lurking in front of me
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
