You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
