awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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