That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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