Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
