I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
