How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
