Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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