And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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