I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
