Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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