i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
