I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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