I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
