I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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