It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
