Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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