just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
