she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
