I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
