literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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