did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
