got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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