My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
