you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
