Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
