We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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