I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
