found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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