I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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