im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
