Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
