shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
