why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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