I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
someone owes me an orgasm
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
