I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
