got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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