He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
