My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
When did angry sex become our thing?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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