i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
