I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Holy sore nipples Batman
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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