Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
