I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
