Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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